War on the Left 'Cep

Recently, I noticed that my right bicep was getting far more swo and veiny than my left. I tried to compensate, but the leftie was still being difficult. I realized it wasn't enough to just up my reps on the left, I had to up the game, and anthro-swo-morphize (on that swocabulary tip) the 'cep to get the real progress I needed.

Let's discuss some tactics:

1) Good Cop / Bad Cop: You may have heard of muscle confusion. Nothing breaks down a muscle like giving it different workouts and keeping it on its toes. So, at any given moment, I'll admire and caress leftie ala Swomeo and Juli'cep. Then, in a eel-like shocking about face, I'll lay on verbal attacks harder than the assault on swomaha beach. After some of this back and forth, the sheer psych-swo-logical damage to the 'cep might as well count as a six-set iso-curl workout.

2) Comparisons to the FAF: Sometimes, the only way to truly swotivate the left 'cep is to compare to the lowest of the low, the unswo-est of the unswo: The FAFest of the FAF. I tell the 'cep: "keep it up and you'll end up like this regrettabo'. I tell the 'cep to just give up, and take a trip to get some Fro-Unswo-Yo, because you know what left 'cep, it's just been like, such a long day. Don't worry about the extra sour cream, extra cheese, and extra guac' on the 'potle, because your boss was totally rude to you today. It's cool. Meanwhile the right 'cep is busy crushing kale shakes and putting in reps, but hopefully Chad will love you for your inner beauty. "Do you, little wiz-cep."

3) Beware the Na-swolean complex: Some individuals have a problem being short, and make it up for by being loud, swoverconfident and trying to swow-off. When it comes to the left 'cep, my boy always wants to do more reps, but sometimes tries to overcompensate by relying on the already swo back, forearm and shoulder muscles. Not on my watch, little wiz. The best way to show you're a man is to peep the right 'cep, and just put in hard work. No need for swoverkill.

To all the fans, first, thanks, and if you know other great ways to motivate a 'cep from an inferiority complex to a swoperiority state of veiny, please let me know.

Swo and Steady Wins the Race

If there is one thing I'm learning from this honorable pursuit, it's patience. There are a number of reasons why getting outlandishly swo requires patience:

1) You don't see results overnight

2) You can't get swo constantly, even though at any moment of any day I'm thinking "i would so much rather be lifting weights than doing whatever it is i'm doing right now"

3) You sometimes have to dial back the swo enthusiasm to socialize with those less committed to self-swo'ification

4) You wish mother earth had provided more forms of veggies to throw in the kale shake because frankly, I'm hitting all the big ones and all I want is to keep diversifying my veggies

So, what is it that keeps me going, day after day, drinking kale shakes, pounding out the miles on the 'mill, grabbing a glass of water instead of a beer? While I've always been a fan, I have to give major props to my boy, Barack Swobama, for his cool, patient and ultimately successful and badass take down of un-swosama. I am confident that when June 17th comes around, I'll be able to roll to Balurstin's as happy as the Prez because I know the last 8 weeks were an epically successful swobal war on the 'stache.

Now, while keeping it gangsta like a swOG, sometimes a swobot has got to 'cock. These times should be few and far between, but sometimes a craig has to show his swommitment while FAFs BFA. Last weekend, as a frozen za' was being crushed late-night at a homie's, I had to not only abstain from the 'za but drop down and start yapping some push ups. After busting out 45 push ups in a row, I got off the floor (much more quickly than all the jaws in the room), brushed myself off and just said "gotta keep it swo craig." In the ensuring frenzy of desire had by all females in the room, a swobot may have had to strip to the boxer briefs. Sometimes you gotta crowd please and have a soft opening of the hard body.

So keep it steady as she swos, because ultimately, we are all looking for the day when the swo whisper gets turned on it's head, and this is the result.

And as always, thanks to the continued support of all the fans out there.