Hotel, Swotel, Holiday Inn

So those of you who know me, and know that I am often traveling for work, (On the Swoad Again) might be asking yourselves: “Dude, how can you possibly be so swo when you’re traveling half the week, unable to make kale shakes and only able to eat out?”

Answer: a fusion of qualities and actions (to be detailed), a swoverwhelming drive to be veiny and an 8th grade balordan-sized feeling of hatred for the 6/17 ‘stache.

We’ll begin with qualities:

1) Tolerance for eating the same thing every day: Some people say they get tired of eating the same thing. I say stop being a puss. “Variety in your diet” is just a euphemism for “I’m a fat, weak, bovine f*ck.” That’s why I eat the same thing every day while traveling. I get plenty of variety in my rental car - it changes every week.

2) An un’swoly amount of Discipline: One of the hardest parts of being on the road and eating healthy is having a large of amount of food money available to you, but buying inexpensive, healthy stuff or nothing at all. Cost is basically no object because spending $50 on food in Dayton would be nearly impossible. I mean, I want to go to Fricker’s, obviously. But the only thing in “Fun Food Sports Spirits” that fits the swomerta code is “sports.” Seriously, driving down fast-food strip hungry at the end of the day is hard - but my body has to be too. I mean, it takes zealotry like Khomeini to become so veiny (hope i don't get fatwa'ed, because the "fat")

3) Willingness to turn down hanging out with a cute girl from the office: I had to learn this one the had way. This cute girl wanted to go get beer and pizza. A swo’bot’s nightmare. To make matters worse, she ate half a pizza in front of me, then called me weak for not finishing my half. I finished it - even though every bite was swoul-crushing. Fortunately, I learned quickly from the Siren and tamed the temptation like Swodysseus. May be dry, but I’m swo.

4) Willingness/desire to go to Wal-mart, every week: Some are Wal-mart averse. Suck it up - I need protein shakes and I don’t know of any other grocery stores in Dayton.

In terms of actions, I’ll just drop literally everything I eat Monday - Thursday and my gym schedule:

Monday AM Meal (at the airport): Fruit Cup, Yogurt
Comments: this sets the mood right, because there are so many bomb looking options in the ‘port, but so many FAFs it only strengthens your resolve. I mean, the bacon, egg and cheese panini looks extremely bomb, but less so when you see three-biscuit Jimmy Bob from ABC Defense Contracting, Inc. put down two right next to you.
Monday Lunch: Boston Stoker “Provolone and Veggie” Sando
Comments: this sandwich is already terrible - it’s bread, alphalpha sprouts, lettuce, tomato, hummus and provolone cheese. To get even sicker off this, I extract the provolone and voila - swovolone and veggie sando. The awfulness of the sando just gets me more hyped.
Monday Gym: 30 minutes cardio, then blast self with heavy weights. The FAFs provide some more tailwind at the gym. Many walkers and ellipticals. Most overweight, older, and generally regrettable. It’s best when they pair up, especially the men in their late 30s. They’re trying to be hard and impress their work buddy, but they’re both soft as f*ck. They be complainy, I be straight veiny.
Monday Dinner: 42 gram swotein shake - that’s it.

Tuesday AM Meal: starbucks coffee, breakfast wrap (egg white, feta cheese, spinach), ½ green machine juiceComment: breakfast wrap is incredibly bomb. ‘nuf said.
Tuesday lunch: Subway 6” turkey, no cheese (convert that sodium into swodium), many veggies, buffalo sauce (p low cal).Comment: some FAFs will hate on the ‘way. i could (and do!) eat every day.
Tuesday gym: solid cardio - 4 mile run, ideally followed by 15-20 on the bike.
Tuesday Dinner: ‘potle chicken salad, black beans, pico de gallo.Comments: Again the FAFs are the saviors. Becky: “ugh, i’ve had such a long day, I’m just going to get extra everything” Megan: “you deserve it girl, we like, basically power-walked here” (because you were feining the potle, dumb h*es). Becky: “Can i have a steak burrito bowl with extra sour cream, extra cheese and extra gaucamole?. . . No like, not just guacamole, extra gaucamole.” Woof. Me not giving a fuck as I contemplate the next swo’ing.

Wednesday:
Morning: Bucks - see Tuesday
Lunch: ‘way - see TuesdayGym/Dinner: - see Monday
Comments: ya dog, all repeats.

Thursday:
Morning: see Tues/Wed
Comment: Thursday morning is exciting because I get to go home. But do I let the excitement trip me up? Nope. Stay smooth like a shaman.
Lunch: see Tues/Wed
Gym: usually run 3-4 miles upon return to the spot.
Dinner: Thai curry over steamed broc - bomb and relatively guilt-free.So that’s the secret.

In summation - channel the power (or intertia) of the FAFs, who will provide swotivation at every turn. Otherwise, have some self-control. I mean, extra guac, for real?