Staying Swo, Seven Days a Week

What’s up, swomies? Well, it’s the mo-futtin’ weekend, which can only mean that as you read this, your pump is fading from yesterday’s swo-sesh, you be feelin pre-tay good about your chances of hollering at them Beckies in the club tonight. And, by all means, holler you should. However, the Freakend also brings with it temptation. Temptation in the form of non-swoage. ABTIM*, them dranks.

You should absolutely be out there tonight, fist-pumping, glow-stick rocking, absurdly gigging, etc. What you should not be out there doing is smashing liq til yo mind falls into your formerly swo chest regions. Yeah, dog, “regions.” Plural.

“But, but, but, Nels and Jesse, how can I be swo and still have fun on the weekend?” Glad you asked, Lil’ Soupy!

Here are our top ten suggestions for Ultimate UWSRAV:**

10. Go to the bar and order a rocks glass half filled with water. Now you’re drinking vodka neat.

9. Stay home and watch Thursday’s Community. Seriously, Chang can teach you much.

8. Put on a bear costume and go to a dance club. You will sweat so much that any booze calories will be nullified within 30 minutes.

7. Go to a club in the projects. Hit on girl whose boyfriend is swo. Run home.

6. Go to the bar with the heaviest drinkware possible. The reps you put in while drinking at a Bavarian Beer Fest ain’t a joke.

5. Go to a redneck bar. Not only will there be many FAF***’s to swotivate you, but you also will likely be involved in a fight, which is pretty much pure, unadulterated swo.

4. Retool your Kale shake recipe.

3. Have a Swo Party at your crib. Drinks are on the house, but there is a 25-minute circuit cover charge. That girl with the obliques wants you, dog.

2. Straight merk someone. Prison food is low in saturated fat and sodium, and in the joint errybody is swo. (also, many are raped, but you know . . . worth it.)

1. Stay home and get swo. You don’t even have to lie about it. In the same way that only a truly callous person would chastise you for not going out because you went to your Grandmother’s funeral, so too would only a SWOrn enemy hate on you for getting swo.

*And By This I Mean

**Unwinding While Still Remaining Absurdly Veiny

***Fat As Fucks