Hotel, Swotel, Holiday Inn

So those of you who know me, and know that I am often traveling for work, (On the Swoad Again) might be asking yourselves: “Dude, how can you possibly be so swo when you’re traveling half the week, unable to make kale shakes and only able to eat out?”

Answer: a fusion of qualities and actions (to be detailed), a swoverwhelming drive to be veiny and an 8th grade balordan-sized feeling of hatred for the 6/17 ‘stache.

We’ll begin with qualities:

1) Tolerance for eating the same thing every day: Some people say they get tired of eating the same thing. I say stop being a puss. “Variety in your diet” is just a euphemism for “I’m a fat, weak, bovine f*ck.” That’s why I eat the same thing every day while traveling. I get plenty of variety in my rental car - it changes every week.

2) An un’swoly amount of Discipline: One of the hardest parts of being on the road and eating healthy is having a large of amount of food money available to you, but buying inexpensive, healthy stuff or nothing at all. Cost is basically no object because spending $50 on food in Dayton would be nearly impossible. I mean, I want to go to Fricker’s, obviously. But the only thing in “Fun Food Sports Spirits” that fits the swomerta code is “sports.” Seriously, driving down fast-food strip hungry at the end of the day is hard - but my body has to be too. I mean, it takes zealotry like Khomeini to become so veiny (hope i don't get fatwa'ed, because the "fat")

3) Willingness to turn down hanging out with a cute girl from the office: I had to learn this one the had way. This cute girl wanted to go get beer and pizza. A swo’bot’s nightmare. To make matters worse, she ate half a pizza in front of me, then called me weak for not finishing my half. I finished it - even though every bite was swoul-crushing. Fortunately, I learned quickly from the Siren and tamed the temptation like Swodysseus. May be dry, but I’m swo.

4) Willingness/desire to go to Wal-mart, every week: Some are Wal-mart averse. Suck it up - I need protein shakes and I don’t know of any other grocery stores in Dayton.

In terms of actions, I’ll just drop literally everything I eat Monday - Thursday and my gym schedule:

Monday AM Meal (at the airport): Fruit Cup, Yogurt
Comments: this sets the mood right, because there are so many bomb looking options in the ‘port, but so many FAFs it only strengthens your resolve. I mean, the bacon, egg and cheese panini looks extremely bomb, but less so when you see three-biscuit Jimmy Bob from ABC Defense Contracting, Inc. put down two right next to you.
Monday Lunch: Boston Stoker “Provolone and Veggie” Sando
Comments: this sandwich is already terrible - it’s bread, alphalpha sprouts, lettuce, tomato, hummus and provolone cheese. To get even sicker off this, I extract the provolone and voila - swovolone and veggie sando. The awfulness of the sando just gets me more hyped.
Monday Gym: 30 minutes cardio, then blast self with heavy weights. The FAFs provide some more tailwind at the gym. Many walkers and ellipticals. Most overweight, older, and generally regrettable. It’s best when they pair up, especially the men in their late 30s. They’re trying to be hard and impress their work buddy, but they’re both soft as f*ck. They be complainy, I be straight veiny.
Monday Dinner: 42 gram swotein shake - that’s it.

Tuesday AM Meal: starbucks coffee, breakfast wrap (egg white, feta cheese, spinach), ½ green machine juiceComment: breakfast wrap is incredibly bomb. ‘nuf said.
Tuesday lunch: Subway 6” turkey, no cheese (convert that sodium into swodium), many veggies, buffalo sauce (p low cal).Comment: some FAFs will hate on the ‘way. i could (and do!) eat every day.
Tuesday gym: solid cardio - 4 mile run, ideally followed by 15-20 on the bike.
Tuesday Dinner: ‘potle chicken salad, black beans, pico de gallo.Comments: Again the FAFs are the saviors. Becky: “ugh, i’ve had such a long day, I’m just going to get extra everything” Megan: “you deserve it girl, we like, basically power-walked here” (because you were feining the potle, dumb h*es). Becky: “Can i have a steak burrito bowl with extra sour cream, extra cheese and extra gaucamole?. . . No like, not just guacamole, extra gaucamole.” Woof. Me not giving a fuck as I contemplate the next swo’ing.

Wednesday:
Morning: Bucks - see Tuesday
Lunch: ‘way - see TuesdayGym/Dinner: - see Monday
Comments: ya dog, all repeats.

Thursday:
Morning: see Tues/Wed
Comment: Thursday morning is exciting because I get to go home. But do I let the excitement trip me up? Nope. Stay smooth like a shaman.
Lunch: see Tues/Wed
Gym: usually run 3-4 miles upon return to the spot.
Dinner: Thai curry over steamed broc - bomb and relatively guilt-free.So that’s the secret.

In summation - channel the power (or intertia) of the FAFs, who will provide swotivation at every turn. Otherwise, have some self-control. I mean, extra guac, for real?

Rise and Swo!

Good morning campers/swo’ers/balooers/bonuses/thizzbots/non-soupbrained fucks/etc! Glad you’re with us. It means you’re conscious. Which is the first step to getting swo. I think I speak for both of us (Jesse is abswolutely getting swo right now, of this I am certain) when I say that we do this blog for two reasons:

1. The Swo.

2. The Fans.

Now, now, The Fans, we know what you’re thinking:

“Why the faloose are we not number one?!”

Well. Two reasons. First, my priorities are (in order) Swo, Kale, God, Swo, Family and Kale. So, frankly, be happy you’re even on the list. And two, I’m swo. So I can do whatever.

But, we here at NAJAS still take swownership of the fact that, without y’all, we’d just be two Swoldiers of Fortune spiraling off into swoblivion. So, on that note, we’d like to field some reader questions:

“You guys write about your bodies and your diets. Together. On a blog. Are you guys gay?”

- Randy, New York

Well, “Randy.” To start with, your name is “Randy.” So . . . there’s that. As for us, we both do fine with the ladies, and while I don’t like labels, I’d have to say that we’re both quite heterosexuswol.

“Do you guys have jobs?”

- Kristin, Washington

Jesse is a consultant. Nels is a law student. They don’t pay us to be this swo. We do that bitch for free.

“How do you have time to both get swo AND blog about it?”

- Chris, California

Ah, Chris. You’ve really tapped into the Alpha and Swomega of it all. If a swo’d up gangster is super swo, but nobody is there to blog about it, is he even swo? What came first; being swo? Or blogging about it? Hasn’t swo-blogging really just been around since the sworgins of time, but it was just being done by the badgers? Think about it.

Do you guys have any other hobbies?

- Jackie, Tennessee

Nope.

Come on, you guys don’t JUST get swo.

- Jackie, Tennessee

Damn, Jackie! Why you gotta sweat a brotha? Alright, if it’s not fitness/nutrition related, we generally want no god damn part of it. But, if we’re not swoing/running/sleeping/kale-shaking or otherwise tending our swotanical gardens, we’re probably at the bar taking your girl via glowstick. Real. Talk.

What’s wrong with mustaches? Don’t hate!

- Craig, New Jersey

Craig, in literally any other circumstance, I would have got you, dog. But, are you for Frickers serious??? “What is wrong with the ‘stache?” Dude, it’s an anti-tank top. A reverse swo. It’s a downgrade on your life in every way imaginable.

“Cancer or ‘stache?”

Uh, eyah, takin the ‘cer, thanks. Erry. Damn. Time.

Get real, Craig, or I’mma have to make like Swomar, from HBO’s The Wire, and toast yo ass.

How can I get swo?

- Rajesh, Thailand

Great question. Here’s a better one: how can you not get swo? I mean, really. We live in a society where it’s the United States of FAF. Childhood obesity is at an all-time high, there’s HFCS in your water, and the airplane seats aren’t getting smaller, Jim is just getting FAFer. I’m not trying to sound like Bill SwO’Reilly here, but America’s got some serious problems.

But heroes don’t blend in, Rajesh. They stand out.

Do you have what it takes? Do you care enough about yourself, your children, your world to take the plunge? Then go pick up something heavy. Put it down. Repeat. Do this until world hunger is ended, the polar ice caps are icey (or veiny), and nuclear non-swoliferation is a reality and not just a dream.

In other words, Rajesh. Do you, little Thai wizard.

Staying Swo, Seven Days a Week

What’s up, swomies? Well, it’s the mo-futtin’ weekend, which can only mean that as you read this, your pump is fading from yesterday’s swo-sesh, you be feelin pre-tay good about your chances of hollering at them Beckies in the club tonight. And, by all means, holler you should. However, the Freakend also brings with it temptation. Temptation in the form of non-swoage. ABTIM*, them dranks.

You should absolutely be out there tonight, fist-pumping, glow-stick rocking, absurdly gigging, etc. What you should not be out there doing is smashing liq til yo mind falls into your formerly swo chest regions. Yeah, dog, “regions.” Plural.

“But, but, but, Nels and Jesse, how can I be swo and still have fun on the weekend?” Glad you asked, Lil’ Soupy!

Here are our top ten suggestions for Ultimate UWSRAV:**

10. Go to the bar and order a rocks glass half filled with water. Now you’re drinking vodka neat.

9. Stay home and watch Thursday’s Community. Seriously, Chang can teach you much.

8. Put on a bear costume and go to a dance club. You will sweat so much that any booze calories will be nullified within 30 minutes.

7. Go to a club in the projects. Hit on girl whose boyfriend is swo. Run home.

6. Go to the bar with the heaviest drinkware possible. The reps you put in while drinking at a Bavarian Beer Fest ain’t a joke.

5. Go to a redneck bar. Not only will there be many FAF***’s to swotivate you, but you also will likely be involved in a fight, which is pretty much pure, unadulterated swo.

4. Retool your Kale shake recipe.

3. Have a Swo Party at your crib. Drinks are on the house, but there is a 25-minute circuit cover charge. That girl with the obliques wants you, dog.

2. Straight merk someone. Prison food is low in saturated fat and sodium, and in the joint errybody is swo. (also, many are raped, but you know . . . worth it.)

1. Stay home and get swo. You don’t even have to lie about it. In the same way that only a truly callous person would chastise you for not going out because you went to your Grandmother’s funeral, so too would only a SWOrn enemy hate on you for getting swo.

*And By This I Mean

**Unwinding While Still Remaining Absurdly Veiny

***Fat As Fucks

Swomerta

Welcome to our blog: "Nels and Jesse Are Swo." Needless to say this is exciting. As Nels mentioned, June 17th is baring it's teeth like a rabid swolverine and we need to step it up to our A game. In that line, I have a couple thoughts:

1) What is swomerta? It's simple - it's a simple code that says you will get swo. If you were part of cosa swostra like Nels and I, you would probably get it.
2) I think I speak for both of us, when I say, we literally can't get swo frequently enough. Every time I leave the gym, I look longingly back, asking "please sir can I have another" a la Swoliver Twist.
3) The 'staches are the enemy. The veins are the friends. We will be veiny and unstached. We will not fail. And that's a prophecy straight from mother f*cking Swostradamus.

Stay tuned for more information which will likely include our diets, exercise regiments, and maybe even more puns. And thanks to all the fans out there.

Welcome!

Wow, first post. Big things. Not as big as Jesse and I will be though.

The story:

Sometime in the winter of 2010-2011 Jesse and I realized that being swo is better than not being swo.

With that in mind we both set out to swotally step it the f*ck up. And we did.

But all was not well, as the inevitable happened: we plateaued. No losses. No gains.

Well, it was time to kick start this bitch into swoverdrive. So we made a bet.

A stache bet, to be specific.

Basically (and this will be explained in greater detail in the next post), we both have to be AS SWO AS POSSIBLE IN 8 WEEKS. If one of us isn't, he has to rock a f*cking mustache to the most important social night of the year.

Tune in, bitches.